3.02.2006

I think I need help

First, I posted a couple pics from that photography contest on my other blog. Second, I'm going to work at UCYC in Arizona this summer! I'm excited!

On to school. Today was my first British Survey 2 test, oh, excuse me, "quiz 1" and I honestly can say I haven't felt bad about a test like that since Drama way back when, but I was already at the point of not caring on that Friday final. And thinking that I still have over half the semester, I think maybe 16 hours is pushing it. I'm so ready to just be done. And I realized, I get this way about everything. I enjoy it at first, then I do well, and then I think that I have to at least maintain this high standard I set for myself, and then I just push myself so I can make it out safely with that perfect/good record. Middle school track, high school forensics, now my college GPA... And its not my family, I mean, my brothers aren't insane perfectionists, even though my parents push us to do our best. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm pretty sure I'm obsessive compulsive... you just have to see my need for organization and you'd understand. I don't know what to do with myself, because I'm not happy if I don't do all of this... it drives me insane until I give in and do my homework, or spend my whole day studying, or whatnot, but I don't know if I'm really honestly happy doing it, either. Like, that sick feeling in my stomach senior year before performing at state, because I thought, "Anna, if you don't break finals again, you've gone downhill, and that's not acceptable" as opposed to junior year and being in a state of euphoria that I made it and, aside from general nervousness, enjoying the moment. So I'm starting to get that same sick feeling of senior year with big school projects. I think it would do me good, maybe, to fall short of my expectations sometime, but my perfectionism and competitiveness won't let me do that on purpose, and I think I'd totally fall apart if that did happen. I don't know why I put so much pressure like this on myself. I'm just so tired, of everything. That sounds depressing, and I'm not, its not like I'm not happy overall, because I am. I'm not upset right now, I just feel it would be beneficial to somehow fix this about me, (especially before I have kids and become a psycho mom like, well, I'll be nice, but no, it's not my mom, b/c she's amazing!), I just don't know how. Anyway, I don't know if writing helped at all, but its done, and I don't want to delete the last 10 minutes of my life, so you get to read it anyway!

Have a great day, and don't forget to celebrate, oh, well, National Pig Day today (March 1st)... but if you forget, I totally understand. :)
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